A day before we left CA, we found out some very unsettling, shocking news... I had developed 4 tumors in my lungs. I had gone in for my routine CT scan Monday June 21st, a day after returning from Lake Tahoe. I wasn't too nervous about it because I didn't expect news any different than last time-a clean scan. Not that I'm naive about this disease and how unpredictable it can be, but being that I had a PET 2 months ago that was clean, I figured it would be fine. Well, it wasn't obviously.
So, Tuesday Eric and I went in to see the doctor, go over the scan results, and get my last injection before returning home. When the doctor delivered the news, I almost didn't believe him. I could tell even he was in shock and didn't expect these results. Nonetheless, we were quite disappointed and discouraged. Here I was in CA doing this clinical trial, thinking I was getting the drug, and hoping that it would work and prevent any recurrence. And now we're faced with news like this. And this changes everything. With the disease now spreading from the primary tumor, then to a lymph node, and now distant into the lungs, I am now Stage 4. That is very scary to me. I know what the statistics and prognosis were for this stage. And let's just say, they are NOT on my side. But I'm determined to beat the odds.
Eric and I were emotionally devasted at the time, not sure how to react or what to think. The doctor went over some treatment options which he had previously discussed w/ the team there, all of which I knew about through prior research, forums, and talking w/ other patients about their experiences. The one good thing about Stage 4 is that there are MORE options than Stage 3. Maybe not great options (because most of them either have a low complete response rate or they are in clinical trials), but at least there are several different treatments, and many that are new and upcoming, paving the way to finding a cure.
The next step was to get a lung biopsy, which was done today. This is done to rule out other possible scenarios (CT scans don't differentiate between cancer and non-cancer growths.) Over the last week, we have kept the news a secret (other than family for the most part) since we didn't have conclusive results of the biopsy yet. The news was what we expected-metastatic malignant melanoma. Even hearing that news was difficult, because it sank in and became reality. This past week has been tough, I won't lie. My stress and anxiety levels have hit an all-time high as I try to one, cope with this news and two, start researching these treatment options. Not fun. I was really hoping to come home and enjoy the summer, take the kids to the pool, go on lots of family bike rides, go camping and rafting, and just enjoy the time together as a family again. Now, I have to deal with this and make a decision and move forward with treatment in a short amount of time. While we don't want to make a hasty decision, we also must act quickly, knowing that these tumors are most likely progressing and possibly growing somewhere else in my body.
I will say that through many prayers and going to the temple with some good friends (including our Bishop) last Sat. night, I feel peace. I feel my Savior's arms wrapped around me. I know He loves me and I know, without a doubt, that He is watching out for us and preparing a way. In the deepest part of my gut, I know that I will survive this and be healed. I will be one of the "lucky ones" and live to raise my children, and fulfill a greater purpose on this Earth. I have always felt that this trial was to help others somehow. I'm not sure what that will entail, but I know that the Lord is preparing me, refining me, and strengthening my faith, all to help Him serve a bigger purpose. Yes, I have doubts at times. Right now, lots of times. I'm scared out of my mind for the unknown, for what treatment I will have to endure, for how long this could take to be healed. But I have to have patience. I have to know that the Lord doesn't give us more than we can bare. And only He knows how much that is. He sees the big picture, He sees what we truly need, and if we endure, have faith, and remain faithful, He WILL bless us beyond our wildest dreams. I just know it. And I need to hold onto that.
Right now, all we ask for is your continued love, support, and prayers for us. We are extremely blessed with such amazing family and friends around us and we have felt ALL of that love many times. It is overwhelming to feel that love and know how loved we are. We thank you for that, and know that we couldn't continue this journey without that.
