Treatment Day 1

I officially started treatment March 30th, 2010. Let's just say I was nervous, but still feeling peace about everything. It wasn't that I was scared for the actual injection, but mostly for what would follow. Would I get the actual drug or placebo? Would I know? Will I feel side effects if I do get the treatment? These questions haunted my mind the past couple weeks since we had made the decision to go with the clinical trial. I felt secure and rest-assured that I had made the right decision though, so I just needed to move forward with that confirmation.

The other thing that I was losing sleep over was a "glich" in my CT scan. My doctor had called me the week before I was scheduled to start treatment to tell me that they found a suspecious lesion on my liver. He quickly followed though with the fact that it is VERY common to find benign cysts in livers, and that it seemed that was the most likely possibility. But of course, we couldn't rule out the other possibility-that it could be a malignant tumor. I initially fretted over and over this, knowing that this would change everything-my diagnosis/staging (to Stage IV), my prognosis, and mostly, my treatment plan. But after much prayer and pondering, I decided that it was out of my control and in the Lord's hands. I feel peace with that and still KNOW, without a shadow of a doubt, that I need to stay on course and go to CA. If it turns out to be a tumor, then my treatment course will change, but I feel I'm in better hands here vs. Boise. The day of treatment my doctor and I spoke a little about the lesion again, and even though he couldn't reassure me 100%, he felt strongly that it was most likely nothing to be concerned with. The next step is for me to get another PET scan, which will tell us if it is malignant or not. That is scheduled in the next week or two. There's going to be a lot of prayers!

Back to my first day of treatment...I was greeted by the nurses that work with my doctors and then went through the whole process-lab work (to make sure I'm not pregnant), a physical done my doctor, and then waiting for the results of the lab and again, for the doctor to send the order down to the lab. Once signed, then we had to wait some more for the Infusion Center to receive my injection, at which point, we could go down. The nurses in the Infusion Center were more than generous, putting me at ease, and my nurse (in the picture) even has the same last name-McEvoy! Once I received the injection (which felt like a tetnus shot), I had to wait for 30 min to get my vitals read again, and then I could go home. My arm started to get pretty sore driving home, but I kinda expected that since it was a intramuscular injection. I tried not to think about the possible side effects of the "drug" the rest of the day, even though I wasn't feeling anything other than the sore arm. It wasn't until 9pm or so that night, that this wave of body aches and chills swept over me. The rest of the night and following day I felt pretty icky, but I was SOOOO happy!

I believe I'm getting the drug and I just hope it works! I know that the Lord has answered my prayers, even the small, seemingly insignificant ones. He KNOWS what we NEED, and knows what is best for us. The other small blessing I received that day was finding out that another mole that I had removed from my jawline was benign. WHEW! I don't know if I could've handled a new melanoma right now. And I'm sure that is another answer to my prayers too. It's going to be a long journey, but one, I know that will be worth it!

Goodbye to Boise for now...

With the decision made for me to pursue treatment (clinical trial) in S.F., we decided it would be best for me to be out in CA for the first 3 months of the induction phase. This phase requires injections every 3 weeks, along with scans and other lab work, and to be closely watched by my team of physicians. So, the kids and I packed up 3 months of stuff and made the trek westward. My mom drove out on Thurs, we packed that day and Friday, and then left Sat. morning.

I had mixed emotions about leaving everything behind for that long, but especially about leaving Eric. I knew that this would be tough on our family (although I've seen friends go longer), but it seemed like the right thing to do. Eric will be missed by all 3 of us and I only hope the boys will adjust to life in CA and be happy while we're there. We're even hoping we can get Austin into preschool there to finish out the school year, mostly for him to have that "routine" still, and to have some friends to play with. I'm so grateful to my parents who have done so much for our little family, and who will have to put up with us for 3 whole months! Good thing they love their grandkids! :)

Carson's "Puppy" B-day

The funniest thing happened on Carson's birthday. The kid woke up with pink-eye! What is funny about that is that he has caught this virus only one other time-on his birthday last year! What are the chances of that! Once again, we had to change plans. This year we were planning on going to Rafiki to play with friends and enjoy cupcakes. Obviously, I didn't feel that was a good idea with his eye (since it's highly contagious), and so we quickly nixed that idea. A few friends (and good sports!) decided to still come over and give Carson some birthday wishes and grab a cupcake. Thank goodness, since Courtney and I had slaved away for 4 hours making 15 of them! :)

The kids enjoyed the cupcakes, even though Austin (who was so excited to eat them) wouldn't because he said he couldn't "eat a dog's face". What a weird kid. When Eric came home later, we had dinner and then sang again and opened presents. Good thing the kid is only 2 and can appreciate anything and go with the flow! He was pretty excited to get a tricycle and probably his fave gift he got was a remote control monster truck. What can we say, we're raising a redneck child! :)

Carson turns 2!

Our little guy is 2!!! Where has time gone??? I look back and think of how fast he has grown up. It seems even quicker than the first child (probably because you're busier). We sure love Carson though, he is such a joy in our family! His little personality is just blooming, and he is becoming quite the independent toddler complete with melt-downs, the occasional tantrum, and messes all around (especially food!). On the flip side though, Carson is such a sweetheart and so loving. He still loves to cuddle with Mom and Dad before nap and bedtime. He loves to give kisses (but sometimes likes to tease and withold), and loves to sit on laps. He adores his big brother, and when Austin isn't around he asks, "Where Audi go?". He also loves to giggle and laugh, be tickled, and play peek-a-boo. Carson loves bathtime, or anything with water involved (we pratically have to disrobe him when he is playing at the bathroom sink). I love that Carson is easy-going and not as aggressive as some people we know :) He loves to play with cars, trucks (esp monster trucks), airplanes, and anything that goes. He also has a good arm on him and loves to throw balls (or anything round for that matter).

One of my favorite "new" things that Carson does is at bedtime. When I'm rocking him in the chair and singing primary songs to him, he likes to put his hands on my face and tell me "no" to each song I sing until I get to one that he wants to hear. What a funny little guy! Another cute thing he did...he said, "Love you" (sounded like "wuv you") for the first time, when I was putting him to bed the other night. It was so cute!!! Here are some of my favorite pictures of Carson over the last 2 years! We sure love you Carson!

Watch out Martha Stewart!

Ok, Martha might be a bit of an exaggeration, but for someone totally UNCRAFTY, I really outdid myself on this one. Did I mention that I did all of this the week we were leaving for CA for 3 months?! Carson's birthday just happened to land 3 days before we headed out, so it was a little hectic trying to fit all of this, but I was determined to make him his "pupcakes" (he loves dogs) and this cute birthday sign, that I'v wanted to make for over a year (to throw up for all of our birthdays). I have to admit, I was pretty darn proud of myself! My good friend, Courtney, helped with the cupcakes, it was quite a lot of work, but they turned out pretty true to the picture (from the book, "Hello, Cupcake!") and the important thing was the kids loved them. Now, I just have to figure out how to make Star Wars cupcakes for Austin's birthday in a couple of months...

Moving forward...

After a long, painful 2 weeks of decision-making, Eric and I have finally made our decision on my treatment. Let me tell you, it wasn't easy, to say the least. I thought for sure there would be one, logical, clear-cut path, but it wasn't that way. We had it narrowed it down to 2 options-the Interferon, or the DERMA trial. Both had their pros, advantages, drawbacks, and risks. With the Interferon, I would at least be guaranteed treatment. Sure, maybe not a very good treatment, but nevertheless, something. With this treatment, I wouldn't be increasing my overall survival at all, but would decrease the risk of recurrence by 10%. Another advantage of this treatment is that I could do it in Boise and be home. The major downfalls to Interferon, besides the little efficacy it's proven, is the fact that it is a highly toxic drug. The first month is the worse-with symptoms like rigors, severe body aches, fatigue, bad taste in mouth, loss of appetite, depression, and hair loss or thinning. Those symptoms can continue for the following 11 months, but are typically not as bad since the treatment at that point is at a lower dosage and self-injectable.

Our second option, the DERMA trial, has its fair share of pros and cons as well. Advantages of this treatment are that it has less side effects, pretty minimal at best, and treatment is every 3 weeks for 5 injections, and then every 3 months for 8 injections instead of daily. Another thing we liked was the promising results that were shown in previous phases of the study for melanoma. It also was a very SPECIFIC trial, in which the criteria was specific for the type of patient it would work best for. I seemed to fit all of the criteria (but at this point, we were still waiting to find out if my tumor tested positive for the MAGE-a3 antigen though). I also thought, "When else would I have the opportunity to join a clinical trial like this one?", "What if this is one of the cures to melanoma?", and "What if this drug is better than Inteferon at increasing long-term survival and decreasing recurrence?" Even though the answer to these questions is unknown, I couldn't help but wonder if this could be an exciting breakthrough, and one that I could be a part of (if it were deemed successful).

I truly feel as though the cures to cancer aren't in the old drugs, the toxic treatments that can ruin our body and have nasty side effects. The cures lie in the medicine of tomorrow and I have hope for that in the future. The biggest disadvantages of this treatment option was the most obvious one, the risk that I don't get the treatment and receive the placebo. This was definitely a BIG con to me, and I wasn't sure I could live with that unknown. BUT, at least with this trial, 2/3 of the patients receive the drug and 1/3 don't, opposed to 50-50. Another con was the fact that this treatment would take place in CA. Yes, my parents live there and that makes it more do-able, but 27 months is a long time to commit to a treatment that may or may not work, and something that I would have to travel back and forth on. I just wasn't sure how that would affect our family either.

The weekend we traveled to Logan for Alan's wedding, I had asked Eric's dad, along with any of his brothers that were willing and able, to give me a priesthood blessing. Eric and I were completely on the fence post about this decision at this point still, and just needed some direction, some peace of mind. The blessing I received was an answer to my prayers. The Lord didn't tell me what direcetion I should go, but that I would be able to make a decision, have clarity about it, and move forward knowing I made the right decision. After that blessing, I felt much better about things. In fact, when we were driving home Monday, the thought came to me that if we found out that my tumor possessed the antigen, thus qualifying me for the trial, then it seemed like the best path to go. And if it didn't, then that was my answer too and I would be left with Interferon. I don't know why I thought that, but it just seemed right.

Thursday that week, I got the call from CA. My tumor was indeed positive and I could do the trial. It felt right. Eric and I talked about in length that night and decided that we should move forward with it and pray, fast, and go to the temple the next day to receive that confirmation. Friday we did that, and what an amazing feeling we got in the temple! The Lord definitely has His way of showing us the truth, by giving us with peace and comfort when we have made the right decision. The prayer in the temple was truly remarkable and unforgettable too-and an answer to our prayers. After that point, we knew we could move on, and whether or not I receive the treatment or not, the Lord would ultimately provide a way. We just had to have faith, and this choice would definitely make us "utilize" that faith in a greater capacity! We don't know the logistics of everything yet, but most likely, the kids and I will move out to CA for the first couple of months while I'm in the induction phase of the trial. It will be more economical, and also because we don't know how I will react to the treatment, it might be better to have some help around.

For now, we are trying our best to not look back and have regrets. This was a process that I learned a great deal from. I learned that sometimes the Lord wants us to really study it out, do our homework, and then, make the choice that feels right. He then confirms that answer, by way of us feeling peace or doubt, and then we can move on with that decision. I'm so grateful for that knowledge and don't know what I would do without it! The gospel is amazing and I feel so comforted to know that my Heavenly Father and Savior have a plan for me and love me unconditionally. We are never alone and during those times that we feel alone, we need to know that the Lord only wants to carry us through those challenging times just as He did when died for all of us. What a great blessing that is!!!

Alan and Anna's wedding

We spent last weekend in Logan for Eric's little brother, Alan's wedding. It was also extra special because we got to see Eric's dad and Donna after being on a mission in Russian for 1 1/1 yrs (they just returned 2 weeks ago)! The whole weekend was super busy, but so much fun. We had a pre-wedding family dinner Friday night at my in-laws in which both families got to meet each other. Saturday morning, Alan and Anna were married for time and eternity in the Logan, UT temple. What a special ceremony that was! Alan and Anna are such a cute, perfect match for each other. After the wedding, we had a luncheon/reception at this old restored mansion that was beautiful, simple, and laid-back! It was so fun to have the whole McEvoy family together-all 40 or so of us!

Saturday night some of us left our kids at home with sitters and went out to eat at this new restaurant in Logan called, Elements. We had a whole room to ourselves (probaby because we looked rowdy! :), ate some yummy food, and laughed our heads off at each other. Good times! Eric and I also had dinner with our friends, the Niederhauserns and Croshaws and their families Sunday night. So good to see some old friends. Monday, I got together with 2 of my bestest friends, Katie and Britt for lunch in Logan before heading home to Boise. Some things never change, love you girls forever! All in all, we had such a wonderful weekend, and especially for me who needed a break and distraction from the reality of my present health circumstances!

(Too many pictures, hence the collages-click to BLOW UP.)

Family dinner the night before the wedding

Their wedding at the temple-a cold, but beautiful day

The reception!

MORE UPDATES THAT I'M BEHIND ON COMING SOON...

Carson's conversations

I love Carson's little "language". These last few couple of months, his vocabulary has really exploded with words and even 2 or 3 word sentences (such as "I pizza" or "I go poopie"), but he still "babbles" quite a bit intermixed with lots of words that we recognize. He has these little "monologues", in which he will go and on talking or explaining something to us, most of which we don't understand, but is quite hilarious. I have tried over and over to videotape him doing this, but he always clams up when I get the camera rolling.