Moving forward...

After a long, painful 2 weeks of decision-making, Eric and I have finally made our decision on my treatment. Let me tell you, it wasn't easy, to say the least. I thought for sure there would be one, logical, clear-cut path, but it wasn't that way. We had it narrowed it down to 2 options-the Interferon, or the DERMA trial. Both had their pros, advantages, drawbacks, and risks. With the Interferon, I would at least be guaranteed treatment. Sure, maybe not a very good treatment, but nevertheless, something. With this treatment, I wouldn't be increasing my overall survival at all, but would decrease the risk of recurrence by 10%. Another advantage of this treatment is that I could do it in Boise and be home. The major downfalls to Interferon, besides the little efficacy it's proven, is the fact that it is a highly toxic drug. The first month is the worse-with symptoms like rigors, severe body aches, fatigue, bad taste in mouth, loss of appetite, depression, and hair loss or thinning. Those symptoms can continue for the following 11 months, but are typically not as bad since the treatment at that point is at a lower dosage and self-injectable.

Our second option, the DERMA trial, has its fair share of pros and cons as well. Advantages of this treatment are that it has less side effects, pretty minimal at best, and treatment is every 3 weeks for 5 injections, and then every 3 months for 8 injections instead of daily. Another thing we liked was the promising results that were shown in previous phases of the study for melanoma. It also was a very SPECIFIC trial, in which the criteria was specific for the type of patient it would work best for. I seemed to fit all of the criteria (but at this point, we were still waiting to find out if my tumor tested positive for the MAGE-a3 antigen though). I also thought, "When else would I have the opportunity to join a clinical trial like this one?", "What if this is one of the cures to melanoma?", and "What if this drug is better than Inteferon at increasing long-term survival and decreasing recurrence?" Even though the answer to these questions is unknown, I couldn't help but wonder if this could be an exciting breakthrough, and one that I could be a part of (if it were deemed successful).

I truly feel as though the cures to cancer aren't in the old drugs, the toxic treatments that can ruin our body and have nasty side effects. The cures lie in the medicine of tomorrow and I have hope for that in the future. The biggest disadvantages of this treatment option was the most obvious one, the risk that I don't get the treatment and receive the placebo. This was definitely a BIG con to me, and I wasn't sure I could live with that unknown. BUT, at least with this trial, 2/3 of the patients receive the drug and 1/3 don't, opposed to 50-50. Another con was the fact that this treatment would take place in CA. Yes, my parents live there and that makes it more do-able, but 27 months is a long time to commit to a treatment that may or may not work, and something that I would have to travel back and forth on. I just wasn't sure how that would affect our family either.

The weekend we traveled to Logan for Alan's wedding, I had asked Eric's dad, along with any of his brothers that were willing and able, to give me a priesthood blessing. Eric and I were completely on the fence post about this decision at this point still, and just needed some direction, some peace of mind. The blessing I received was an answer to my prayers. The Lord didn't tell me what direcetion I should go, but that I would be able to make a decision, have clarity about it, and move forward knowing I made the right decision. After that blessing, I felt much better about things. In fact, when we were driving home Monday, the thought came to me that if we found out that my tumor possessed the antigen, thus qualifying me for the trial, then it seemed like the best path to go. And if it didn't, then that was my answer too and I would be left with Interferon. I don't know why I thought that, but it just seemed right.

Thursday that week, I got the call from CA. My tumor was indeed positive and I could do the trial. It felt right. Eric and I talked about in length that night and decided that we should move forward with it and pray, fast, and go to the temple the next day to receive that confirmation. Friday we did that, and what an amazing feeling we got in the temple! The Lord definitely has His way of showing us the truth, by giving us with peace and comfort when we have made the right decision. The prayer in the temple was truly remarkable and unforgettable too-and an answer to our prayers. After that point, we knew we could move on, and whether or not I receive the treatment or not, the Lord would ultimately provide a way. We just had to have faith, and this choice would definitely make us "utilize" that faith in a greater capacity! We don't know the logistics of everything yet, but most likely, the kids and I will move out to CA for the first couple of months while I'm in the induction phase of the trial. It will be more economical, and also because we don't know how I will react to the treatment, it might be better to have some help around.

For now, we are trying our best to not look back and have regrets. This was a process that I learned a great deal from. I learned that sometimes the Lord wants us to really study it out, do our homework, and then, make the choice that feels right. He then confirms that answer, by way of us feeling peace or doubt, and then we can move on with that decision. I'm so grateful for that knowledge and don't know what I would do without it! The gospel is amazing and I feel so comforted to know that my Heavenly Father and Savior have a plan for me and love me unconditionally. We are never alone and during those times that we feel alone, we need to know that the Lord only wants to carry us through those challenging times just as He did when died for all of us. What a great blessing that is!!!