A couple of months ago I enrolled in a BYU-Idaho extension class, called Postive Parenting. I really didn't know much about the course, except that the instructor was amazing and that you would leave the class each week feeling uplifted, inspired, and filled with new ideas/techniques on parenting. Little did I know that this class would do all these things and more! This class literally changed my life! I really can't say enough about the instructor either, her name is Carleen Tanner and she has 9 children (all grown now), and had them in 10 years (yeah, I know a little crazy)! Also noteworthy, she has taught this course for 15 years, so her experience really shows.
To highlight some of this semester's classes, I wanted to write just a little snip-it or something that stuck out to me each week. We kept journals all semester along with notes, (and we even had weekly "homework" to help us practice some of these things) so this is mostly for me to remember all the great things I learned!
CREATING A HOUSE OF ORDER:*The key to building a strong foundation is to take our
time to teach the principles of the gospel (otherwise the foundation won't be sturdy!) to our children.
*The challenge is not do more, to do
wiser!
* Having order and routines creates a sense of peace, harmony, and responsibilty. It also increases the Spirit and decreases contention in the home.
TRADITIONS:*Traditions in a family are vital because they create a sense of belonging, a sense of identity, and emotional and physical security.
*We need to make it a tradition or ritual to "meet and greet at the crossroads" daily, meaning we make physical contact with each other (hug, kiss, etc) everytime we leave or come (ie. work, school, etc).
*We need to be careful that we focus on the actual tradition rather than the intensity of the preparation (ie. CHRISTMAS!)
DISCIPLINE:*Look for the good, mention it, and express heartfelt appreciation daily. Do not criticize!!!
*Learn to
listen by seeking to understand them first, validate their feelings and
express understanding if not agreement, share your feelings, and then allow them to tell you the correct response or action needed.
*Help our children feel the Spirit. When they feel the Spirit, they WANT to do what's RIGHT.
PRAISE VS. ENCOURAGEMENT: (one of my favorite classes)
*Praise is an
external evaluation (meaning they need outside validation to form their sense of self-worth). Encouragement is a
recognition of effort. It is saying positives that give our children an "inner" sense of self-worth.
*Praising words like "You're the best!" (superlatives) create competition between siblings.
*When your child has done something wrong, you can use encouragment, praise you cannot.
*If you're not sure how to use/phrase encouraging words, then ask youself "WHY?" to statments like, "You're awesome!" The answer to that is ENCOURAGEMENT!
*
Keys to encouragement:
1. Learn the language of encouragment
2. Learn the childs love language
3. LISTEN!
4. SEEK to understand perspective
5. Acknowledge their feelings
6. Encourage them to find a solution (often with your help if they're young)
*For every 1 negative comment, you need 10 positive comments to balance it out
*Children that often rebel are discouraged!
*Reinforce the positive by words and actions!
COMPETITION VS. COOPERATION: (to go along with previous class/subject)
*Competition can be healthy if motive is good. (ie. self-improvement, not better than someone else)
*Competition in families isn't good if we compare or pit our children against each other. It leads to pride and often feelings of inadequacy (not good enough).
*Instilling the Spirit of Cooperation:
1. Use the language of love and faith. Have a happy attitude and acknowledge the good you see in your children.
2. Use POSITIVE DISCIPLINE instead of punishment. When mistakes are made, focus on improving and moving FORWARD, not dwelling on the past.
3. Encourage children to SUPPORT each other and WORK together.
4. Encourage children to SERVE each other (ie. older sibling read to younger sibling or help with homework, practice, etc).
5. Create WIN-WIN situations at home (ie. "When everyone is ready for bed, we can have ice cream." vs. "The first one ready for bed gets ice cream first.")
6. Strive to ELIMINATE COMPETITION. Never allow bashing, name-calling, or put-downs (even in a joking way).
7. Encourage the setting of GOALS. Competition is with self, not others.
8. Encourage children to SEE and SPEAK of the GOOD in others (ie. Before tattling, child must first tell 3 nice things about the other).
TEACHING CHILDREN WORK AND RESPONSIBILITY:*Work develops
self-esteem, self-discipline, and responsibilty.
*Idle time breeds discouragement, self-indulgence, temptation, disrespect, and lack of appreciation.
*Things of great value require more work, and result in more appreciation and gratitude on our part.
*Teaching our children to work is not teaching them how to do a few jobs, it is teaching them a way of life!
*Work with our children until:
1. They know how to do the task
2. They know what the completed process looks like
*Let our children evaluate the task instead of you
*TEACH OUR CHILDREN TO WORK PAST COMFORT! So that they can develop a sense of gratitude and self-worth/accomplishment!
TEACHING CHILDREN SERVICE:*We need to treat service/callings/etc not like job lists or checklists! We need to have the Spirit and do it with our hearts (not because we feel obligated to).
*Teach our children to share their talents, time, money, etc and do it with love!
*Service needs to be hard and inconvenient at times!
*We need to change our wording/thoughts to instead of "I have to/need to" to "I want to" or "May I". That is the true spirit of service and the key to becoming more Christ-like and increasing our faith/testimony.
TEACHING CHILREN GRATITUDE:*Gratitude is not just a step in the prayer process, it is a successful mode of living, it is the ACTIONS we do because we FEEL gratitude.
*Gratitude is a major source of our happiness. We need to be grateful and live in the "now" instead of always thinking of the future.
*
To develop gratitude we need to:1. Avoide distractions that keep us from doing what we ought
2. Avoid magnifications of small imperfections
3. Avoid unfavorable comparisons with others
4. Gratitude comes as we remember the goodness of God
5. The Holy Ghost will bring all things to our remembrance
6. Pray until we feel gratitude! (And it will increase)
*
Teaching children gratitude:1. Let children go WITHOUT so they appreciate what they DO have
2. Encourage them to keep a gratitude journal
3. Focus on things they can be grateful for before praying
4. Help them have experiences-if they never sacrifice, they will never be grateful!
5. They have to FEEL the JOY of GIVING before they can learn to feel gratitude
6. Write thank-you notes
7. Verbally acknowledge the Lord's hand and support in your trials
MARRIAGE:*We need to cut out unrealistic expectations of our spouse!
*We need to focus on changing OURSELVES, not our spouses.
*Work to keep yourself GOOD and your spouse HAPPY, not vice versa.
*One doesn't fall out of love, one stops DOING LOVING THINGS (Steven Covey)
*Ways to Strengthen the Marriage:
1. Rediscover the magic-remember how it all began, do it again! Spend time together alone, do loving things for each other, listen without taking offense, care about what makes the other happy!
2. Learn to speak your spouses love language!!!! Determine then teach your spouse what makes you feel loved and then determine then do what makes your spouse feel loved (Types of love languages-words of affirmation/endearment, spending quality time together, giving gifts just because, acts of service, physical touch).
3. Meet at the crossroads and touch
4. Look for the GOOD. When dating all we see is the 80% good and we easily ignore the 20% bad. After time though, our focus shifts to the 20% bad. Find strengths in your differences and let them bless your life.
5. Spend time together
6. Keep spiritually growing together. And the KEY is to PRAY together as a COUPLE each night!
