Crossroads

The last year and a half has had its challenges for our family. When we made the decision to move to Boise after Eric finished grad school, Eric had yet to take his Board exams to become a licensed PT. We assumed this would happen upon the first attempt of the test, (which he took within a month of moving here in Dec 07') but he barely missed the mark. After the second failed attempt a couple of months later AND a job loss, it was pretty devastating, as you can imagine. On top of that, I was diagnosed with a pretty serious melanoma and that just added to our challenges and worries at that time. But that all led to his current job (which he got within a week of losing the first job), and almost immediately we felt we were led to this employer. Things started to come together and we remained optimistic, peaceful with things, hopeful for the future, and extremely blessed.

Eric attempted a third time on the exam in June of 08' after MORE studying, sacrificing, working, and even attended a 9 day seminar in Dallas designed for students who hadn't passed the test. We thought for sure things would happen this time! I mean, why wouldn't they? Eric was certainly working hard and doing his best, and on top of that, we were really putting more effort into the little things too to help our family. After he failed for the third time (and keep in mind, each time he has barely missed the mark), we were DEVASTATED to say the least. We didn't know what to do, why this was happening, or how to deal with it really. Initially, we had our doubts on the path we had chosen. Were we really in the right place? Was Eric really with the right employer? Or was it simply just a trial of our faith and we just needed to be patient, have faith, persevere, and trust the Lord? Consequently, we made the decision to stay in Boise and do our best to make it work. Eric picked up more hours, and I looked for a part-time job. That didn't really turn out for me, so I decided to focus on buidling my business (as a Personal Trainer) and get my boot camp going that summer. Luckily, I had some success with that and it helped keep us afloat for the summer to some degree. Eric started studying at 5am in the morning, so he could get 2 quiet hours of studying in each day before work. Plus, he was spending 1/2 of his Saturdays in the library taking practice exams for several months. On top of that, he was working 40-50 hours a week and upholding a calling as Ward Clerk.

Because Eric had 3 failed attempts within a year, he had to wait until Jan 2009 to re-take the test. This seemed daunting to us, but we endured. As the months dragged on, we continued to have faith that the 4th attempt would be it! And after our Bishops counsel, we put even MORE effort into dedicating ourselves to family prayer, family scripture study, couple prayer, individual prayers, individual scripture study, FHE, temple attendance, and magnifying our callings. No, we were not PERFECT, but we did give it 100% and I can say with satisfaction that we really did try our best. And those efforts have blessed our family and brought us closer together and for that I am grateful. We really felt that we were doing EVERYTHING we could, and Eric was putting in more than what was probably required of him. We thought FOR SURE the Lord would recognize and be pleased with those efforts and answer our prayers with a successful outcome on his 4th attempt.

So, on March 14th 2009, Eric took the exam for the 4th attempt. We both had peace about it, and truly felt that the Lord was pleased with Eric's efforts, and our efforts as a family. We had faith that the Lord would make up the difference. It was in His hands and we trusted Him to pull through and help carry Eric through this exam. After all, our family was relying on this and Eric needed this more than ANYTHING. This was our livelihood, Eric's career, our future. Essentially, there is no moving forward with his career as a PT until this happens. We felt at peace that the Lord would bless us because of our righteous endeavors and provide a way for this to happen for us. For me, the scriptures and Eric's patriarchal blessing had given me tremendous peace and comfort to the fulfilling of this blessing, and I knew the Lord would pull through. He knows US, He knows what we NEED, He knows we are DOING OUR BEST, and most importantly, He loves us. There really was little to question and doubt that it wouldn't happen this time (and that goes for both of us).

When we got confirmation a few days following his 4th attempt that he DIDN'T pass, I have to be honest, there were a mixture of emotions. Definitely my #1 emotion was disappointment. And I have to admit, mostly in the Lord. Some of our initial thoughts were: How and why could the Lord leave us to hang out and dry? Hadn't we learned enough patience over this year and a half? Didn't we do everything we committed to do? Weren't we righteous enough? Why couldn't the Lord easily have made up this SMALL difference (we're talking 1 or 2 questions here) and helped Eric pass? It's hard not to think these thoughts at first (but we are human!), and it still is a struggle sometimes to think about. But I've learned (or are learning) that if I dwell in that disappointment, than Satan wins. If I get too discouraged and give up, Satan wins. If we lose our faith and trust in the Lord, Satan wins. It's so hard NOT to do sometimes, but really, that's what Satan wants us to do. Get mad, get frustrated and discouraged, blame the Lord, and ultimately GIVE UP. Knowing this keeps me going in the right direction, not only because I don't want Satan to win, but because the things that we are doing right make us feel good, keep us on the right path, help us feel peace during our struggles, and increase our testimony and relationship with the our Heavenly Father and our Savior.

So, what now? We're not sure. We haven't made any decisions yet or really thought TOO much about it. For now, we are living our lives day to day, blessed in so many ways still, and have a happy, healthy family with the gospel surrounding us. That's all we really need. Sure, we still need to overcome this obstacle in our lives. And yes, we need to re-evaluate the paths we've chosen, and ponder and pray on those decisions. We are at a crossroads, I believe. Honestly, my initial thought when Eric didn't pass this last time was, "I wonder if the Lord is trying to tell us something or direct us somewhere." I mean think about it, Eric has done everything he can, he got through grad school with the Lords help, it wouldn't be that hard for the Lord to make up the difference. I don't pretend to know what the right thing is for us, but I can't help feeling from the Spirit that maybe the Lord is trying to direct us elsewhere.

Who knows why we are going through this. Maybe it is just a trial of our faith. But with Eric missing the mark that many times by SO CLOSE a margin, I can't help but wonder if maybe there's a reason for this. And not because we're not trying. I FINALLY feel at peace knowing that we're doing all we can (this is something I've struggled with my whole life, not feeling like I'm doing enough and that I can do more) and I know the Lord will direct our lives if we open our hearts to Him, humble ourselves, and listen to the still small voice. If the right path is leaving Boise, we will do it. That breaks our hearts and we want nothing more than to stay here, but if the RIGHT THING is somewhere else, than what are we waiting for? I know the Lord will bless us, I know we will ultimately be happier, and it will be an opportunity to grow. I hope and pray that we make the right decision. It worries me a bit, but I know that we're doing all the right things and have the right mindset, and so I know and have faith that we will make the right choice. After all, "This too shall pass". I can't help but think what the Savior has endured for us when He laid down his life for our sins. He has felt every pain and sorrow we feel (along with joy and happiness) and it comforts me to think that He knows exactly how we feel. He loves us so much and only wants the best for us, and if we TRUST HIM (which is the hardest part sometimes), we will be infinitely blessed.

I'm sure we will face many other challenges and trials in our lives. Even crossroads. I just hope that through the experiences and growth we have, that each time we come to those crossroads, we are better equipped and more experienced to overcome. I pray for this. In my mind it's one of the ONLY good reasons to age! :) I'm just so grateful for my family-for Eric and his steady, undeterred, optimistic way- and for the way he upholds his priesthood, his testimony, and his love of the Savior. I'm grateful for our two beautiful boys who give me such an abundant amount of joy. In my eyes, you haven't experienced true joy until you have become a parent. I'm grateful for TWO great extended families that are amazing, wonderfully supportive, and loving. And especially for our parents, for the way they raised us, and for their examples. I'm grateful for so many friends, ward members, neighbors, etc who we have always blessed and enriched our lives. Mostly, I'm grateful for the gospel and the knowledge we have. Without it, we would be lost and unhappy with no true purpose or goals in life. I love the Savior and our Heavenly Father and each day, I'm learning more and more how much they truly love us. I pray that we all can better grasp and KNOW that. And with this, I leave my testimony in the name of Jesus Christ, our Savior, Amen.